*TRIGGER POINTS OF MY GRIEF

Those of us who have lost someone special to us know too well how severe grief can be, especially if it is someone significant like a parent or a spouse. Grief is defined as great pain or sorrow caused by someone’s death. In my case, everything causes pain; any activity or memory associated with my mother triggers so much grief and longing because just about everything reminds me of her. Suddenly, grief is making me grieve things I didn’t know I could grieve, like food, music, tv, films, and places.

This last one is particularly tough. Because even if I go to a place like Starbucks to get a cup of coffee, something mundane to most of you like grabbing a cup of coffee at Starbucks reminds me of my mother. It reminds me of our ritualistic weekends together, having coffee (mom would always have some type of iced coffee). I look around the coffee shop, and I see people sitting around chatting, working on their laptops, or just merely lounging away with some type of caffeine-infused beverage. I realize that mother and I would never ever share a caffeine-infused beverage together in Starbucks again. Something straightforward as that triggers grief, like you wouldn’t believe.

The other night I was flipping through channels and landed on HBO; they had the original Robocop (1987) movie playing. I was immediately riveted to the time when mom took me to the movie theater to watch Robocop together way back in 1987. So, needless to say, every time I make my way into a movie theater, the memories of our countless outings together to the movies immediately come to life, and I find myself back in time, reliving those moments all over again. Little things like that awaken an overwhelming sense of nostalgia and sadness. People always say stupid things like, “oh, your mother is there with you,” what a bunch of bullshit…..Of course, she is not.

Consolation phrases like those are useless and do not help make things better. The so-call “next world” is irrelevant to me, as I’m still in the early stages of the grieving process (and yes, two years is absolutely early in the grieving process); if you disagree, then you haven’t suffered this type of loss yet.

My only focus is this life, not the next. Although to better understand death, I spend a considerable amount of time reading, researching, studying subjects like; Life after death, near-death experiences, parallel universes, reincarnation, and a bunch of other esoteric, supernatural topics, but I still can’t wrap my head around her death, and this overwhelming need of having her here with me. Maybe I’m selfish, perhaps my way to grieve is different from how ordinary people grieve, but I’m not an average person, so I have my own personal unique approach to grieve. I don’t want to hear people say that due to her brain-aneurism, she was not going to be the same if she survived, but that is not the issue at hand. Did I want her to live while suffered living in a limited-vegetated state? Of course not. But this is my grief, not yours, and not anyone else’s. I was the one who watched her lay on that hospital bed, not responding; I was the one who watched her lay lifeless, kept alive by a machine while her brain no longer responded. I was the one who witnessed when she took her last breath and officially died. Nothing anyone says can provide me with any sort of comfort from that experience.

Ultimately grief is my enemy and, at the same time, is my ally. While it causes me deep pain, it also fuels me. Reality and my own personal logic do not work together, but it is my own individual logic, and while it may be absurd to some, it makes perfect sense to me. This journey through grief will be a long one; it will be with me for the duration of my existence in this realm; we call the “real world.” It will be an integral part of my life until I die and I get to the “next realm,” but my only concern, as I’ve stated earlier, is only this life, only this world, which is the only thing relevant to me right now.

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